He knows our need.

I don't even know where to start. 

So many things continue to change, so many tears are still being shed, yet life continues at a maddening pace as it rushes swiftly on it's way. I am torn between the need to pause, focus on the things that REALLY matter, and care for the spiritual/mental/physical well-being of my family, and running, running, running just to keep up with the everyday things that are good... important... necessary.

The song that keeps running through my mind (and played in at least a dozen different versions on my Christmas playlist) is O Holy Night. My favorite verse is the middle one, the one that gets left out of most modern renditions.

Led by the light of faith serenely beaming,

With glowing hearts, by His cradle we stand.

So, led by light of a star sweetly gleaming,

Here come the wise men from Orient land.

The King of Kings lay thus in lowly manger,

In all our trials, born to be a friend.

He knows our need!

To our weakness is no stranger!

Behold, your King! Before Him lowly bend!

Behold, your King! Your King, before Him bend!

Bill's brother was killed 11.30.15 in an automobile accident.

We, who have not known the sorrow and sadness that accompanies the death of a close loved one (other than our dear - yet aged - grandmothers and grandfathers), have now experienced it, unexpectedly, twice in 6 weeks. Tears come at the strangest times. We are trying to wrap our heads around the hole in our hearts and the change this will make in our families. One minute we can be laughing and talking together about good memories, the next can be filled with red eyes, flowing tears, and sad hearts.

But in between all of that, life rushes on. Crazily. Swiftly.

I am most certain that the frenzied pace of today's modern world is carefully and cunningly crafted by Satan to pull us away from what really matters. I know we've been saying that for years now, but it's more apparent to me than EVER before, especially since the dawn of smartphones. I can SEE the difference between rearing my older children (really, they aren't THAT old, but they are PRE smartphone era) and my younger children. The pace is FASTER. The desire to have more, be more, and do more is DEEPER. I feel it in my bones that it may be what destroys our spirit if left unchecked. I want to scream at people, "PUT THAT DOWN! BE PRESENT! BE AWARE! INTERACT WITH THOSE AROUND YOU! TALK TO THEM, FOR GOODNESS SAKE! THAT DEVICE IN YOUR HAND IS NOT YOUR LIFELINE TO REALITY, IT TAKES YOU AWAY FROM IT!"

I want to share a few precious moments from last weekend in loving memory of a great father, brother, son, and uncle.

I think Wonderful Sweet Scarlett could sense the pain and sadness in Great Granny, so she gave her a kiss. I've never even had that pleasure. So so precious that she could offer that tiny gift.  Another of my favorite Christmas songs is In the Bleak Midwinter, and I love this verse:

What can I give Him, poor as I am?

If I were a shepherd, I would bring a lamb;

If I were a Wise Man, I would do my part;

Yet what can I give Him? Give my heart.

 Scarlett loved a nearby grave that was decorated with all things beautiful... pinwheels, ladybugs, and this cute little birdie. Britt told me later that she was a little disturbed because it happened to be an Anderson grave - I hadn't noticed.

Out of love for my SIL Robyn, I didn't want to post many pictures of her. I can't imagine her grief and pain. I think this picture says it all, and makes me tear up every time I see it.

Scarlett continued to cheer up those around her, and helped bring a smile to Great Grandpa's face. I think she reminded us all of the continuity of life and the hope we have for the life to come.


Sunday morning we drove over to the cemetery to visit Brian's grave. I loved how the rays of the sun shone around us as we reflected for a few minutes. I loved Elder Bednar's talk at the Christmas devotional about LIGHT that he gave that very evening. We were blessed to catch ONLY THAT TALK (and the song In the Bleak Midwinter... seriously!) as we tried to access the devotional during our long drive back to CO. That was one of many tender mercies during the past few weeks.

After stopping by Brian's grave, we drove back to Bountiful to visit J's.
It happened to be her birthday.

I love this beautiful wreath my mom made for her grave with the pink angel. My mom talked about how she wanted to find a white one, but couldn't. Jana would like the pink one, I told her.  It makes my heart hurt to think of my mother lovingly and sorrowfully making a beautiful decoration for her child's grave. I can't even imagine. "[Jana] LOVED Christmas" she wrote on facebook, "We still cannot believe that she is not here with us."

Spoiler alert: Jill, if you are reading this, stop now.

I wanted to do something in memory of J, so I looked and looked for necklaces to give my mom and sister (+ one for me). I have one I wear for Shi and it helps keep her close to me. I know it doesn't do anything for HER, but it keeps a mother's mind at ease to feel that her child is close to her heart. I KNOW it sounds corny, but I honestly feel that it helps me deal with the separation. I wanted to share that with my mom and sister... and then after Brian's passing, felt prompted to also share with Robyn and Bill's mom. I finally found the perfect (to me) necklace that has a cutout tree over an engraved circle that says "A family's love is forever" in the middle, and "A family is a circle of love" around the edges. I love the symbolism of the tree: a family tree... the tree of life... the love of God... so many meanings.


Well, my time tonight is gone. Life has gone on, and this week has been a doozy, crammed with all kinds of things to keep us running like crazy. In the interest of journaling and memory-keeping, I hope to post about it, but know it may not happen until after many more life events have occurred. I'm hoping to keep up. I DO put my phone away more frequently, and encourage those around me to do the same. And to say I love you more. Do it.