I wish I was a better writer.
(I love
Jenifer's blog: a deep thinker + a gift of expression)
I'm okay, but good, heart-felt, inspiring writing is not one of my great talents.
I'm a surface writer. I feel more comfortable sharing events and observations, but not so much personal thoughts and feelings. On the occasion I have felt to share what I later consider a little too much, I'll quickly post something new in an effort to camouflage or hide those things that feel tender, sensitive, or not very flattering.
That said, I'm jumping in to some deeper thoughts, self evaluation, and recognized blessings from this past week.
I'll begin by saying that I've been struggling a bit lately. Some of the reasons I have shared... in a round-about-I-don't-want-to-get-too-personal kind of way. Some I haven't. Here's the short list:
(1) Finances.
Billy-my-hero made the decision to make a career change a few years back and to build a business from the ground up. He had every confidence that the business would flourish and, despite the initial hefty salary drop, we would be better off a few years down the road (I decided to give it 2). He had always dreamed of building a business, and when the ideal opportunity presented itself, he prayerfully pondered, received revelation, then proceeded forward. I have every confidence that this was the direction he was meant to go (he was given a blessing from a member of our Stake Presidency over a year before a career change was ever considered that told him that even though his career would not be what he expected, he would find great joy and fulfillment in it - we both thought it was strange at the time, but looking back we feel it was pure revelation, meant for us to draw on in such a time as this).
Two years have come and gone. Our financial situation remains the same. We have cut back in every area possible. Billy-my-hero humbly drives the vehicle we purchased for our children to drive years ago. We sold our "nice" car to help cover some of the costs of Tay and Britt's weddings, and purchased a used vehicle (still referred to as the "nice" car) in it's place. When Bill's car was totaled in a hailstorm (parked at the church while I attended a Relief Society Meeting), we cashed it in and used the money to pay bills. We have refinanced our house. I finally came to the conclusion that I needed to work more (I had been subbing as a special needs EA here and there), and, following a prompting I had received several years earlier, searched for a way to use my license as a hairdresser. After prayerfully pondering, researching, town hall visits, and phone calling (and lots of dead ends - not to be confused with split ends), I was presented with a great opportunity to share a salon space - a tender mercy. I have had great support from friends and family, but, much like Bill's company, my salon business has been taking time to grow. It required a substantial investment in product and supplies initially, plus a steady inventory investment. Some weeks/months have been great, others have not. There have been times when the amount in my salon account was almost to-the-penny what we needed to make a purchase (the most recent occurrence was for Shilo's suit/warm-ups for the upcoming high school swim season - I had just under a dollar left after covering the entire cost - tender mercy).
(2) Hormones.
I have shared a little about my hormonal issues. I am eternally grateful to Elder Holland for
this talk. I realize that not all women have the same experiences. I also believe that it is difficult to understand something you have never experienced (brings the Atonement into perspective). To say I have felt unduly afflicted is a true statement. A couple years back I visited a doctor specializing in hormone therapy. He took my blood to check my levels and sent it off to the lab. In his results, it listed my estradiol as 0 (along with the statement, "most women feel best when it is greater than 50"), and my levels for progesterone and testosterone were low as well. I started biodentical hormone replacement therapy, which definitely improved my levels, but it was
expensive. I decided to look into some less pricey options, which eventually led to the decision to try a progesterone-excreting Mirena IUD along with an estrogen patch. I've been on this therapy for almost a year, and feel that the results have been okay. I believe it's
helped, but I also feel that there are some holes - I still have low energy and some fairly major PMS swings, which lately seem to escalate into bouts of near-debilitating anxiety + fog brain (not a good combination).
(3) Service.
I love to serve. I truly believe that through serving others, our own problems are diminished. However. I have struggled a little bit with Billy-my-hero serving as the Bishop of our ward. I'll admit I have asked myself the question again and again, why now? Why now - when he is devoting so much time to building a business to support his family? Why now - when I have struggled with crazy hormones and feel a need for regular and loving support from my beloved spouse? Why now - when my children aren't around as much and don't need as much of my time and talents and I feel lonely? Why now - when I can't use shopping therapy or vacation therapy or even a quick trip to visit my out-of-state kids to help alleviate my loneliness? Why now - when we can't afford to "get away" and reconnect as a couple on a regular basis?
We have discussed solutions to our financial tightness, one of which would be to move. Bill has expressed his desire to serve his full term as Bishop, however long that may be. I have not been able to give my full support in that desire.
Now let's go back to this past week.
Last Sunday was our Primary Children's Sacrament Meeting Program.
The program was sweet. I enjoyed listening and watching the faces of those beautiful children as they talked and sang (it was the first time in three years that I wasn't the chorister - and the first time in 21 years I haven't had a child participating). After the program, Bill got up to give a few comments. As he was talking, I had a clear and undeniable impression that I was to support Bill in his calling. Period.
I felt peace at that moment.
Fast forward to Monday: I felt conflicted. Confused. Frustrated.
Hard-hearted.
(I hadn't shared my impression with Bill, by the way. It is often difficult to find a time prior to 9pm - when I turn into a pumpkin - to have a meaningful, uninterrupted conversation.)
In my need to release my pent-up anxiety, I unloaded on a couple of my friends.
I don't know if they realize that just by patiently listening, then offering suggestions and advice, they were both tender mercies to me that day.
On Tuesday a friend from our ward came over to give me a one-on-one tutorial on using Family Search. I had been given the assignment in Sunday School to do something that week on my Family History, then to report back to the class the following Sunday. I was surprised to find a name on my pedigree chart of an ancestor that needed all her temple ordinances done. I consider it a miracle.
On Wednesday I had agreed to attend a baptism session at the temple with the youth in our ward. Mauri was able to be baptized and confirmed for the name I had found the day before. Miracle.
Traditional donuts following a temple baptism session. This time at Krispy Kreme. Yum.
I attended the temple again on Friday with my friend Marci. Her husband serves as the Bishop in the ward we split from 18 months ago. She has been a huge
blessing in my life. Before heading out that morning, I listened to
this talk by Elder Dyches.
I was struck by the following passages:
"The Great Physician, full of compassion, still knew that faith must precede the miracle..."
"As we draw near to Him, we realize that mortality is meant to be difficult and that 'opposition in all things' is not a flaw in the plan of salvation. Opposition, rather, is the indispensable element of mortality and strengthens our will and refines our choices."
"'This do in remembrance of me' is what our Savior asked when He instituted what we call the sacrament. This ordinance with bread and water renews sacred covenants we have made with God and invites the power of the Atonement into our lives. We are healed by abandoning the habits and lifestyles that harden hearts and stiffen necks. When we lay down 'the weapons of our rebellion', we become 'agents unto [ourselves]', no longer blinded by the sophistry of Satan or deafened by the discordant noise of the secular world."
After the session, Marci and I talked. She said that coming to the temple was so good for her because she could feel her heart change when she was there. Throughout the session I had thought about how I have been hard-hearted concerning the current challenges in my life, and had determined that I needed to soften my heart. Have faith. Expect miracles. Lay aside the things of the world.
Marci's comments were a blessing. They uplifted and strengthened me, and increased my resolve to be better and to do better.
Our lesson in Sunday School this week was on Finding Joy in Temple and Family History Work.
I found joy this week.
And peace. And resolve. And love. And miracles. And blessings.
I am trying to be consciously aware of the state of my heart.
I loved
this post by Stephanie Nielson - I only wish I could have thought of this when my kids were younger. I think I will do it with my grandchildren (unless their parents want to)...
