Loss and Compensation.

"The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude." (Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin)

It's been a crazy hard couple of weeks. Not what I was expecting.

I was expecting to babysit Wonderful Sweet Scarlett, and glad for the opportunity to help J.J. a little with her recovery from a mastectomy. I was hoping to go to the zoo, and wondered if J would feel good enough to go - if not, we could maybe take her to a park where she could get some fresh air. My mom had already postponed the planned family pictures on Wednesday - J was just too sick.

I drove to Utah on Tuesday, and late that afternoon my mom and dad, Jill, and I went to visit J.
She had not been sleeping well, could not keep any food down, and had a lot of pain in her back. She hadn't had a bath or shower since the surgery and felt yucky. My mom offered to help her take a bath, and Jill and I assisted.
My mom cried to see J in such pain.
After a bath (and a thorough shampoo... yay for hair!), we helped her get dressed, then tried to help with her comfort by scratching her back and rubbing her feet. We determined that we would be back the following day to give her a mani/pedi, and to rub her dry legs and arms down with lotion. We talked about what color she would like for her nails... purple, of course.

It is a helpless feeling to see someone suffer and feel that there is nothing you can do to relieve it.
We were grasping for anything.

The following morning Jill and I went to grab a few things for J.
Purple nail polish. A new bath pouf. A couple of yummy-smelling bath bombs. Tingly shampoo. Lotion. Perfume. Popsicles, pudding, and nutrition drinks. A few seasonal things - a scented candle, a fun silver skull, and a super big pumpkin. Things, we were hoping, that would help make her recovery a bit nicer, help her to focus on positive things, and look forward to the future when she would feel better.

Then my mom and dad, Jill, and I headed back to J's.

 My mom tried to get her to eat, in hopes that she would be able to keep it down.
(I love the above pic of my dad smiling at J... and J smiling... my mom looking like maybe it wasn't that funny... I wish I could remember what we were talking about)

 Jill and I soaked her feet, scrubbed her calluses, painted her nails, and rubbed down her legs and arms. We had purchased 2 colors of purple nail polish, one light, one bright, plus a super cool pink sparkle with an applicator that lit up. After some discussion, it was decided among the girls to do J's toes bright, and her fingers light with sparkle.

Unfortunately, I don't have any pics of me with J that day... regrets, for sure.

Scarlett came to stay with me at my mom and dad's house Wednesday evening (along with Britt and Austin - who were flying out to Hawaii Thursday morning). From the time I dropped them off at the airport the next day, Scarlett was all mine. I worried about how she would transition, but she handled it without a hitch. No tears (about Gigi taking care of her). I loved that! My mom was spending the day at J's on Thursday, and Jill went over again a little later in the day.
Jill flew out Friday, and Mauri flew in. My mom, again, spent the day at J's.

I will post another time about Wonderful Sweet Scarlett and the amazing time I spent with her. There may have been a moment or two that I thought, "I am definitely too old for this," but it was a huge blessing to be able to care for her, hold her, snuggle her, kiss her, and get to know that darling grandbaby of mine (and she LOVED me!). And I count it as a huge blessing that I was there, in Utah, to babysit her, not only for the time it gave me to spend with J, but also for the help and support I could be to my parents and my family.

J went into the ICU Saturday.
My mom went and stayed with her Sunday.
I had the opportunity to visit with her Monday for nearly 5 hours.
During my time with her at the hospital, it was determined that J would not recover.
Her liver was failing. Her kidneys were failing. Her gallbladder was full of infection.
I was with her when she was asked if she'd like to go home. "Yes," she said.

 (I love these pics. At the time J had my dad on one side, and her husband, Jon, on the other.
Above: my dad holding her hand; Below: Jon holding her hand.)

Arrangements were made to transport her home and put her on hospice care. I gave her a kiss, told her I loved her, then headed back to my parents' house to be with Scarlett and Mar.

As I think back, I feel like all the signs were there - that she would not be with us much longer (mere hours) - but I think it's easy to convince yourself that there will be more time. I don't know what I was expecting, but I thought at LEAST a couple more weeks. I thought there would be more opportunities to visit her, comfort her, help her.

That evening I was in the car with Taylor and Lynnea, Scarlett and Mar when I got the phone call from my dad.
Jana had passed away 30 minutes after arriving home.

The rest of the week just all jumbles together.
There were a lot of tears shed,
interspersed with good memories, love and support from family and friends, laughter and gratitude.
So many tender mercies and blessings to be counted, leading to greater faith and strengthened testimonies of the glorious plan of salvation.

  

My BIL, Stan, put together this video to show at the viewing and prior to the funeral:

From Jana's burial site you can see the spire of the Bountiful Temple.
I can't imagine a more beautiful place to be laid to rest.

Bill, Mar and I drove home late Sunday night.

Monday morning I listened again to the first session of General Conference. I couldn't believe the amazing comfort and peace the words from apostles and other church leaders brought to me. It was exactly what I needed to hear at that moment.

Elder M. Russell Ballard: 

"Every time I hold a newborn child, I find myself wondering: 'Who are you, little one? What will you become through the Atonement of Christ?' We ask similarly reflective questions when someone we love dies: 'Where are they? What are they seeing and experiencing? Does life continue? What will be the nature of our most cherished relationships in the great world of the spirits of the dead?' In that world, our family has two granddaughters... and a grandson. With each grandchild's passing, we as a family held on to the gospel truths with both hands. Our questions were answered with comfort and assurance through the Atonement of the Savior. Although we miss our grandchildren, we know they live, and we know we will see them again. How grateful we are for this spiritual understanding in times of personal and familial turbulence."

Sister Neill F. Marriott:

"Have Thine own way, Lord! Have Thine own way!

Thou art the Potter; I am the clay.

Mould me and make me After Thy will,

While I am waiting, Yielded and still.

...Following [our daughter's] mortal death, our feelings were raw, we struggled, and still today we have moments of great sorrow, but we hold to the understanding that no one ever really dies. Despite our anguish when [her] physical body stopped functioning, we had faith that she went right on living as a spirit, and we believe we will live with her eternally if we adhere to our temple covenants."

Elder Francisco J. Viñas:

"Through our experience in life, we learn that joy in this world is not full, but in Jesus Christ our joy is full. He will give us strength so we will not have to suffer any manner of afflictions save they are swallowed up in His joy.

...The death of someone we love can leave an empty place in our soul...

...In those difficult moments in our lives, the pleasing word of God that heals the wounded soul brings the following message of comfort to our heart and mind:

'Peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high.'" (D&C 121:7-8)

Elder Quentin L. Cook:

"Happiness in this life and happiness in the life to come are interconnected by righteousness. Even in the period between death and the Resurrection, 'the spirits of those who are righteous are received into a state of happiness, which is called paradise, a state of rest, a state of peace.'

My dear brothers and sisters, life is not easy, nor was it meant to be. It is a time of testing and trial. Like the old ships in Bristol Harbor, there will be times when the tide goes out and it seems as if everything in this world keeping us afloat disappears. We may hit the bottom and even be tipped over on our sides. Amid such trials, I promise you that living and maintaining temple-worthy lives will hold together all that really matters. The sweet blessings of peace, happiness, and joy, along with the blessings of eternal life and celestial glory with our Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ, will be realized."

I know this was from the second session, but feel it's applicable as well. I hope to never have to experience the death of my child, and can only imagine the sorrow that accompanies it.

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland:

"... No love in mortality comes closer to approximating the pure love of Jesus Christ than the selfless love a devoted mother has for her child... You see, it is not only that they bear us, but they continue bearing with us. It is not only the prenatal carrying but the lifelong carrying that makes mothering such a staggering feat."

I will end as I began:
"The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude.

One of the blessings of the gospel is the knowledge that when the curtain of death signals the end of our mortal lives, life will continue on the other side of the veil. There we will be given new opportunities. Not even death can take from us the eternal blessings promised by a loving Heavenly Father."
(Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin)

(Seriously so NOT a coincidence that Lolo wrote about this very talk this week, too!)