He knows our need.

I don't even know where to start. 

So many things continue to change, so many tears are still being shed, yet life continues at a maddening pace as it rushes swiftly on it's way. I am torn between the need to pause, focus on the things that REALLY matter, and care for the spiritual/mental/physical well-being of my family, and running, running, running just to keep up with the everyday things that are good... important... necessary.

The song that keeps running through my mind (and played in at least a dozen different versions on my Christmas playlist) is O Holy Night. My favorite verse is the middle one, the one that gets left out of most modern renditions.

Led by the light of faith serenely beaming,

With glowing hearts, by His cradle we stand.

So, led by light of a star sweetly gleaming,

Here come the wise men from Orient land.

The King of Kings lay thus in lowly manger,

In all our trials, born to be a friend.

He knows our need!

To our weakness is no stranger!

Behold, your King! Before Him lowly bend!

Behold, your King! Your King, before Him bend!

Bill's brother was killed 11.30.15 in an automobile accident.

We, who have not known the sorrow and sadness that accompanies the death of a close loved one (other than our dear - yet aged - grandmothers and grandfathers), have now experienced it, unexpectedly, twice in 6 weeks. Tears come at the strangest times. We are trying to wrap our heads around the hole in our hearts and the change this will make in our families. One minute we can be laughing and talking together about good memories, the next can be filled with red eyes, flowing tears, and sad hearts.

But in between all of that, life rushes on. Crazily. Swiftly.

I am most certain that the frenzied pace of today's modern world is carefully and cunningly crafted by Satan to pull us away from what really matters. I know we've been saying that for years now, but it's more apparent to me than EVER before, especially since the dawn of smartphones. I can SEE the difference between rearing my older children (really, they aren't THAT old, but they are PRE smartphone era) and my younger children. The pace is FASTER. The desire to have more, be more, and do more is DEEPER. I feel it in my bones that it may be what destroys our spirit if left unchecked. I want to scream at people, "PUT THAT DOWN! BE PRESENT! BE AWARE! INTERACT WITH THOSE AROUND YOU! TALK TO THEM, FOR GOODNESS SAKE! THAT DEVICE IN YOUR HAND IS NOT YOUR LIFELINE TO REALITY, IT TAKES YOU AWAY FROM IT!"

I want to share a few precious moments from last weekend in loving memory of a great father, brother, son, and uncle.

I think Wonderful Sweet Scarlett could sense the pain and sadness in Great Granny, so she gave her a kiss. I've never even had that pleasure. So so precious that she could offer that tiny gift.  Another of my favorite Christmas songs is In the Bleak Midwinter, and I love this verse:

What can I give Him, poor as I am?

If I were a shepherd, I would bring a lamb;

If I were a Wise Man, I would do my part;

Yet what can I give Him? Give my heart.

 Scarlett loved a nearby grave that was decorated with all things beautiful... pinwheels, ladybugs, and this cute little birdie. Britt told me later that she was a little disturbed because it happened to be an Anderson grave - I hadn't noticed.

Out of love for my SIL Robyn, I didn't want to post many pictures of her. I can't imagine her grief and pain. I think this picture says it all, and makes me tear up every time I see it.

Scarlett continued to cheer up those around her, and helped bring a smile to Great Grandpa's face. I think she reminded us all of the continuity of life and the hope we have for the life to come.


Sunday morning we drove over to the cemetery to visit Brian's grave. I loved how the rays of the sun shone around us as we reflected for a few minutes. I loved Elder Bednar's talk at the Christmas devotional about LIGHT that he gave that very evening. We were blessed to catch ONLY THAT TALK (and the song In the Bleak Midwinter... seriously!) as we tried to access the devotional during our long drive back to CO. That was one of many tender mercies during the past few weeks.

After stopping by Brian's grave, we drove back to Bountiful to visit J's.
It happened to be her birthday.

I love this beautiful wreath my mom made for her grave with the pink angel. My mom talked about how she wanted to find a white one, but couldn't. Jana would like the pink one, I told her.  It makes my heart hurt to think of my mother lovingly and sorrowfully making a beautiful decoration for her child's grave. I can't even imagine. "[Jana] LOVED Christmas" she wrote on facebook, "We still cannot believe that she is not here with us."

Spoiler alert: Jill, if you are reading this, stop now.

I wanted to do something in memory of J, so I looked and looked for necklaces to give my mom and sister (+ one for me). I have one I wear for Shi and it helps keep her close to me. I know it doesn't do anything for HER, but it keeps a mother's mind at ease to feel that her child is close to her heart. I KNOW it sounds corny, but I honestly feel that it helps me deal with the separation. I wanted to share that with my mom and sister... and then after Brian's passing, felt prompted to also share with Robyn and Bill's mom. I finally found the perfect (to me) necklace that has a cutout tree over an engraved circle that says "A family's love is forever" in the middle, and "A family is a circle of love" around the edges. I love the symbolism of the tree: a family tree... the tree of life... the love of God... so many meanings.


Well, my time tonight is gone. Life has gone on, and this week has been a doozy, crammed with all kinds of things to keep us running like crazy. In the interest of journaling and memory-keeping, I hope to post about it, but know it may not happen until after many more life events have occurred. I'm hoping to keep up. I DO put my phone away more frequently, and encourage those around me to do the same. And to say I love you more. Do it.

A Soloist.

My time is so precious {and so limited} these days, it's hard to find a moment to post, but I had to give a quick shout out to my dearest running-my-feet-off-keeping-me-hopping youngest child because I am so proud of her.

She's already had two (2) choir concerts this year - the first was right before Fall Break. Mar is in the "non-audition" choir (reminder about how I love that phrase here). 

LHS has their choir concerts at a great and spacious large church in our community. It has all the bells and whistles for a rockin'-out good show. It's pretty darn cool. The choirs also sing a whole lot 'o Christian songs, for which I am so so happy, thanks to a devoutly Christian choir director. I'm impressed that in this day and age of anti-religion and the you-can't-leave-anyone-out mindset, our school still manages to allow it.

Because I'm new {again} to this choir business, I wasn't sure where the best place to sit would be. I asked Mar what side she was standing on, she told me the left, so we sat left. 

Things I've learned (that I forgot I had already learned): if your child is standing on the left, you want to sit on the right so as to actually see her face (vs the side of her head). There are cameramen in contraptions that move around to get different angles and shots of the choir to concurrently display on the dual jumbo-trons, but left was also the least filmed side. Live and learn.

We started a tradition last year in middle school of going to Kneaders with the Hawleys for a treat after each concert. Mar and Christina, of course, wanted to continue the tradition.


Mar's second concert was this past Monday. The choir director doesn't like to hold them in the middle of the holidays, so the Wintersong concert is always at the beginning of November.
Mar tried out for one of the three solo spots and got one! She had tried out for a solo for the first concert and hadn't made it, but she had such a great attitude. She told me she was going to keep trying out, even if she never got a solo, just so Mr. Stroman would get to know her and her voice better (for those try-out choirs coming up next year). When trying out, you have to sing in front of the whole class, so it's not necessarily an easy thing.

I volunteered to be a ticket taker, which also allowed me to save a couple of seats for Bill and I. And for this concert, I knew where to sit.

Nice job, Mar!

This week Mar also started swim practices (Mon-Fri), is gearing up for a piano duet recital in less than two weeks, and starting drivers ed classes this month. I'm telling you, taxiing her around will be the death of me.

I'd better run - Britt and Scarlett are coming on Saturday (YAY!) and I have a lot o' work to get done.

Post post: Taylor was offered an internship this summer here in Denver!!!! He and Lynnea will be living with us from April to August. After graduation, Lex and Jason may be heading out this way, too! All my wildest dreams ARE coming true!

A Quick Halloween Recap.

Just wanted to quickly recap our Halloween festivities around these parts.

Mar dressed up as a zombie for LHS's trick-or-treat activity on Thursday.
The swim team decorated a room and their theme was.... Zombies, of course.

The shirt Mar is wearing is the same shirt Taylor wore for his 5th grade zombie program at Fox Hills Elementary, saved for such a time as this haha.

... a little blood... and ratted hair... completed the effect.

Friday night was our ward's Fall Festival, and Mar dressed up as Flo from Progressive. Funny enough, another couple in our ward came as Flo and Jake from State Farm.

Mar invited her friend Lauren to come... Bill couldn't resist a few photo bomb ops.

I did not dress up. Bill wore his Captain America shirt. It's the best we could muster this year {wink}.

The ward party was a smashing success, and the costumes were awesome, as usual. 

Here are just a few of the participants:

For Halloween night, Mar and some of her friends had decided to do a group costume.

Let me tell you, there is a whole lot o' texting required in a group of six (6) to agree on exactly WHAT that group costume should be. Finally it was decided to go the "Chick Magnet" route. The girls made their tutus and shopped for boas and shirts online. Lauren and Mar hunted down some orange lipstick for their little pouty chick beaks. They all turned out supa cute.

The "magnet" pic:

The whole purpose of a creative group costume is, of course, for posting to social media.

Thus everyone can like and comment on how wonderfully creative and awesome you all are.

As we were snapping pics, I couldn't resist getting one of the beautiful skyscape that evening... blue and orange, Bill noted... predicting a good outcome for the Broncos on Sunday (we are, as you know, a HUGE Broncos fam!). 

Bill quickly donned a wig (we didn't think the shirt would qualify as a "costume"), and took this bunch of chicks and their magnet to Chipotle for $3 burritos. The workers there took pics and said it was the best costume(s) they'd seen all day. Afterwards they went trick-or-treating to nearby homes, then headed to Cass's house for a movie (which didn't end up happening due to technical difficulties) and to chillax. Since the Sisters have commandeered our basement, we are currently unable to supply the party house.

Thanks to that social media flood, I can also share a few pics of my other chidlets enjoying the holiday:

Read about Lolo's first European Halloween here.

Today I am tearing down the Halloween and gearing up for THANKSGIVING. Before I do, however, I had to snap quick pics of my masked picture wall. I've done this once before a few years back, and LOVE it! As you walk by the pictures, it's almost like the eyes move. Such a cheap and easy ("easy" could be subjective, here - those tiny masks are pretty tricky to measure, cut, and tape!) decoration that always make me smile :-)

Halloween 2015... historified.

Wonderful Sweet Scarlett.

I absolutely LOVED spending time with Scarlett while Little Mama and Daddy-A zipped off to Hawaii. It is a tender mercy that their trip was planned during the time frame it was, so I could have the opportunity not only to endear Wonderful Sweet Scarlett to me (Gigi), but also so I could be in UT during a difficult and stressful time for my family and spend some precious final days with my sister, J.

The following may be a Scarlett picture overload, but I collaged to condense a bit. 

These are some of my favorite pics during the week:

Great Grandma G has some great noisy toys that Scarlett loved. She also got quite the thrill from walking up and down the sloped treadmill. Hills and slopes were an overall favorite activity... up... and down... up... and down... you get the drift.

Our second evening together, Scarlett discovered that lever-handled doors are easy to open, especially when the deadbolt is not locked (I thought it was). Figuring she just needed a quick breath of fresh night air, I followed her out the front door, down the front steps, and down the driveway. It was about 9pm at night, dark, and Scarlett was barefoot. She headed down the sidewalk, and we walked, and walked, and walked, Scarlett leading the way. She would stop to check something out, discovered a nice sloped driveway and went up... and down... at least 10 times, then continued the journey down the sidewalk. We seriously walked further down my parents' street than I have ever walked before. Finally I made the decision that the walk was over, picked up that sweet baby, and headed back towards home.

On Saturday we planned a picnic at a nearby park. Jason and Lex had come down from ID, and Taylor and Lynnea had come up from Orem. Lexee quickly became Scarlett's "person" probably because she looked a lot like Little Mama with her hair up (we concluded this when, on Sunday, Lex wore her hair down and Scarlett wanted nothing to do with her. No. Thing.). Scarlett loved the colorful balls we were using in the kickball croquet game, so everyone took a turn switching out their ball color once Scarlett commandeered the one they were using. The day was super sunny and hot - a beautiful fall day at the park. Grandma and Grandpa G. left early because of serious concerns with J, so despite the great weather, fun games, and amazing company, the memory holds a bit of sadness, too.

After our time at the park, we decided to head into Salt Lake City to Rita's (yum!) on our way to IKEA, where Jason and Lex wanted to look for a kitchen table.

Since Scheel's was in the same parking lot as Rita's, we took a pit-stop there to check out the fish tank, taxidermized animals, and such (weights and ammo haha).

Sunday afternoon Mar, Scarlett, Grandpa Great and I headed over to the elementary school park down the street. We discovered that there was another kiddie segment to the park that was new and full of super fun spinning and bouncing things. (This happens to also be the park where, 18 years ago, I slipped with a 15-month-old Shilo in my arms and broke her leg. Ahhh, memories.)

On Monday evening we headed over to Taylor and Lynnea's, where Scarlett played the night away with Auntie NayNay (her "person" for a while), who had put out a spread of stuffed animals, books, a hello-kitty blankie, and a pillow-recliner for her to enjoy. I'm so sad I neglected to snap a few pictures. This was the evening J passed away, and I think we were all subdued and a bit numb after receiving the news. It was a blessing (for me) to be together. That night, after the hour drive home, Scarlett was beat and went straight to bed. My mom and dad arrived home a little bit later, and we talked briefly, then all headed to bed, drained, sad, and exhausted. Just as Mar and I were settling in to our blow-up mattress, welcoming blessed sleep, we heard Scarlett cough in the bedroom. "Did you hear that?" Mar asked. Scarlett started crying, so I went in to console and get her back to sleep, only to find that she had thrown up all over her bed. "That's what I thought I heard," Mar said. Nice. I was too tired to change and wash the bedding, so after changing Scarlett and giving her a little sippy cup of chocolate milk, she laid down on my chest as we settled in for the night on the blow-up mattress. Moments later Scarlett threw up all over me (dang, that chocolate milk). I carefully handed her to Auntie M, and she proceeded to throw up all over her. This was definitely one of those "I'm too old for this" moments. But, as Lolo would say, we survived!  I changed Scarlett, then Mar and I took turns changing our pjs, then I changed out the bedding. Finally we all managed to slip off to dreamland... around 2am. 

Tuesday Scarlett was feeling much better, and that night we went back over to the park with Great Grandma and Grandpa. We may have thrown off Scarlett's schedule a bit, but she was happy as a clam to be at the park in the dark. We would often chuckle about what a little gal like Scarlett thought about all the changes she was experiencing... I would joke that she was surely thinking, "This is my new life."

Wednesday morning Little Billy flew in, and he quickly became Scarlett's "person." It was a huge help to have him there so I could run errands and help with anything my mom and dad needed. I was so, so happy that Scarlett still loved her grandpa, but a little sad that she could so quickly change her affections. I loved being her "person"!! (I was definitely an I'll-take-it-if-it's-the-only-option "person" for her haha.)

Little Mama and Daddy-A flew in on Thursday morning. Bill went to the airport to pick them up while I stayed with Scarlett at Great Grandma and Grandpa's. We were all excited to see what her reaction would be when she saw them.

I would say she was happy. Possibly a bit confused, since I'm sure she was convinced of her new life with Gigi, Little Billy, and Auntie M. Most likely very relieved that it wasn't so. Haha.

I loved every minute... except for a few of the late, late night ones.
I would totally do it again. And again. And again.

Loss and Compensation.

"The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude." (Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin)

It's been a crazy hard couple of weeks. Not what I was expecting.

I was expecting to babysit Wonderful Sweet Scarlett, and glad for the opportunity to help J.J. a little with her recovery from a mastectomy. I was hoping to go to the zoo, and wondered if J would feel good enough to go - if not, we could maybe take her to a park where she could get some fresh air. My mom had already postponed the planned family pictures on Wednesday - J was just too sick.

I drove to Utah on Tuesday, and late that afternoon my mom and dad, Jill, and I went to visit J.
She had not been sleeping well, could not keep any food down, and had a lot of pain in her back. She hadn't had a bath or shower since the surgery and felt yucky. My mom offered to help her take a bath, and Jill and I assisted.
My mom cried to see J in such pain.
After a bath (and a thorough shampoo... yay for hair!), we helped her get dressed, then tried to help with her comfort by scratching her back and rubbing her feet. We determined that we would be back the following day to give her a mani/pedi, and to rub her dry legs and arms down with lotion. We talked about what color she would like for her nails... purple, of course.

It is a helpless feeling to see someone suffer and feel that there is nothing you can do to relieve it.
We were grasping for anything.

The following morning Jill and I went to grab a few things for J.
Purple nail polish. A new bath pouf. A couple of yummy-smelling bath bombs. Tingly shampoo. Lotion. Perfume. Popsicles, pudding, and nutrition drinks. A few seasonal things - a scented candle, a fun silver skull, and a super big pumpkin. Things, we were hoping, that would help make her recovery a bit nicer, help her to focus on positive things, and look forward to the future when she would feel better.

Then my mom and dad, Jill, and I headed back to J's.

 My mom tried to get her to eat, in hopes that she would be able to keep it down.
(I love the above pic of my dad smiling at J... and J smiling... my mom looking like maybe it wasn't that funny... I wish I could remember what we were talking about)

 Jill and I soaked her feet, scrubbed her calluses, painted her nails, and rubbed down her legs and arms. We had purchased 2 colors of purple nail polish, one light, one bright, plus a super cool pink sparkle with an applicator that lit up. After some discussion, it was decided among the girls to do J's toes bright, and her fingers light with sparkle.

Unfortunately, I don't have any pics of me with J that day... regrets, for sure.

Scarlett came to stay with me at my mom and dad's house Wednesday evening (along with Britt and Austin - who were flying out to Hawaii Thursday morning). From the time I dropped them off at the airport the next day, Scarlett was all mine. I worried about how she would transition, but she handled it without a hitch. No tears (about Gigi taking care of her). I loved that! My mom was spending the day at J's on Thursday, and Jill went over again a little later in the day.
Jill flew out Friday, and Mauri flew in. My mom, again, spent the day at J's.

I will post another time about Wonderful Sweet Scarlett and the amazing time I spent with her. There may have been a moment or two that I thought, "I am definitely too old for this," but it was a huge blessing to be able to care for her, hold her, snuggle her, kiss her, and get to know that darling grandbaby of mine (and she LOVED me!). And I count it as a huge blessing that I was there, in Utah, to babysit her, not only for the time it gave me to spend with J, but also for the help and support I could be to my parents and my family.

J went into the ICU Saturday.
My mom went and stayed with her Sunday.
I had the opportunity to visit with her Monday for nearly 5 hours.
During my time with her at the hospital, it was determined that J would not recover.
Her liver was failing. Her kidneys were failing. Her gallbladder was full of infection.
I was with her when she was asked if she'd like to go home. "Yes," she said.

 (I love these pics. At the time J had my dad on one side, and her husband, Jon, on the other.
Above: my dad holding her hand; Below: Jon holding her hand.)

Arrangements were made to transport her home and put her on hospice care. I gave her a kiss, told her I loved her, then headed back to my parents' house to be with Scarlett and Mar.

As I think back, I feel like all the signs were there - that she would not be with us much longer (mere hours) - but I think it's easy to convince yourself that there will be more time. I don't know what I was expecting, but I thought at LEAST a couple more weeks. I thought there would be more opportunities to visit her, comfort her, help her.

That evening I was in the car with Taylor and Lynnea, Scarlett and Mar when I got the phone call from my dad.
Jana had passed away 30 minutes after arriving home.

The rest of the week just all jumbles together.
There were a lot of tears shed,
interspersed with good memories, love and support from family and friends, laughter and gratitude.
So many tender mercies and blessings to be counted, leading to greater faith and strengthened testimonies of the glorious plan of salvation.

  

My BIL, Stan, put together this video to show at the viewing and prior to the funeral:

From Jana's burial site you can see the spire of the Bountiful Temple.
I can't imagine a more beautiful place to be laid to rest.

Bill, Mar and I drove home late Sunday night.

Monday morning I listened again to the first session of General Conference. I couldn't believe the amazing comfort and peace the words from apostles and other church leaders brought to me. It was exactly what I needed to hear at that moment.

Elder M. Russell Ballard: 

"Every time I hold a newborn child, I find myself wondering: 'Who are you, little one? What will you become through the Atonement of Christ?' We ask similarly reflective questions when someone we love dies: 'Where are they? What are they seeing and experiencing? Does life continue? What will be the nature of our most cherished relationships in the great world of the spirits of the dead?' In that world, our family has two granddaughters... and a grandson. With each grandchild's passing, we as a family held on to the gospel truths with both hands. Our questions were answered with comfort and assurance through the Atonement of the Savior. Although we miss our grandchildren, we know they live, and we know we will see them again. How grateful we are for this spiritual understanding in times of personal and familial turbulence."

Sister Neill F. Marriott:

"Have Thine own way, Lord! Have Thine own way!

Thou art the Potter; I am the clay.

Mould me and make me After Thy will,

While I am waiting, Yielded and still.

...Following [our daughter's] mortal death, our feelings were raw, we struggled, and still today we have moments of great sorrow, but we hold to the understanding that no one ever really dies. Despite our anguish when [her] physical body stopped functioning, we had faith that she went right on living as a spirit, and we believe we will live with her eternally if we adhere to our temple covenants."

Elder Francisco J. Viñas:

"Through our experience in life, we learn that joy in this world is not full, but in Jesus Christ our joy is full. He will give us strength so we will not have to suffer any manner of afflictions save they are swallowed up in His joy.

...The death of someone we love can leave an empty place in our soul...

...In those difficult moments in our lives, the pleasing word of God that heals the wounded soul brings the following message of comfort to our heart and mind:

'Peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high.'" (D&C 121:7-8)

Elder Quentin L. Cook:

"Happiness in this life and happiness in the life to come are interconnected by righteousness. Even in the period between death and the Resurrection, 'the spirits of those who are righteous are received into a state of happiness, which is called paradise, a state of rest, a state of peace.'

My dear brothers and sisters, life is not easy, nor was it meant to be. It is a time of testing and trial. Like the old ships in Bristol Harbor, there will be times when the tide goes out and it seems as if everything in this world keeping us afloat disappears. We may hit the bottom and even be tipped over on our sides. Amid such trials, I promise you that living and maintaining temple-worthy lives will hold together all that really matters. The sweet blessings of peace, happiness, and joy, along with the blessings of eternal life and celestial glory with our Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ, will be realized."

I know this was from the second session, but feel it's applicable as well. I hope to never have to experience the death of my child, and can only imagine the sorrow that accompanies it.

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland:

"... No love in mortality comes closer to approximating the pure love of Jesus Christ than the selfless love a devoted mother has for her child... You see, it is not only that they bear us, but they continue bearing with us. It is not only the prenatal carrying but the lifelong carrying that makes mothering such a staggering feat."

I will end as I began:
"The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude.

One of the blessings of the gospel is the knowledge that when the curtain of death signals the end of our mortal lives, life will continue on the other side of the veil. There we will be given new opportunities. Not even death can take from us the eternal blessings promised by a loving Heavenly Father."
(Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin)

(Seriously so NOT a coincidence that Lolo wrote about this very talk this week, too!)